now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
