if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
