i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize
