my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
