I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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