the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
