HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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