the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
