he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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