I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize