I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
