We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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