I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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