I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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