What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The best revenge is premature balding
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
