You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
