i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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