Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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