its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
