I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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