Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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