Just fell off a train. Bad.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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