He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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