Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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