I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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