when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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