The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
