Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
