Whatcha textin bout Willis?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
