It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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