Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
