What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
