I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
