New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize