Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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