I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I came so hard my ears popped.
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