can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
