you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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