wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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