What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
