im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
