You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
