That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
