I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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