I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize