i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
