Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
