sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
