Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You have to summon your inner elephant
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
