I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
