I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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