Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
