Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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