I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
