I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
