this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
