But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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