he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
