I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize