I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
