I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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