Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
