corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
