the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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