Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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