this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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