I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
