woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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