And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In other news, I just burned my penis
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
