i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
