My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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