hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
