actually, I'm a sock model
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
