did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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