she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
